I yelled ugly words at my son on Sunday. The ugliest: F*&% You.
At. My. Son.
I've only said those words a small handful of times in my entire life, and now I've yelled them at my son. Truth is, I had plenty of reason to be angry. I had plenty of reason to speak up about my anger. I had no excuse for saying that. No excuse.
I apologized moments later. Despite my apology, the words hung between us.
His response was ugly and intended to hurt and humiliate me. It worked. I was hurt and humiliated when my 25-year-old son stood in my yard, shouting his indignation that his mother would say F*&% You to him. The entire neighborhood now knows I lost my temper and said unforgivable things to my son.
Perhaps worst of all, by saying those words, I shifted the focus from the problem to my poor handling of it. He's now angry and outraged and I am wrong.
It's cold and dark down here on the low road.
15 comments:
Oh, Jerri.
I'm sorry. I truly am.
Eventually, this too shall pass. In the meantime, remember, you are only human. Both of you.
The entire neighborhood knows that you are human. The entire neighborhood has been there and said things they didn't mean.
Your acts of kindness and patience with your children and your neighbors speak much louder than the ugly words hanging in the air. The good news is that there is time to heal this. You did the right thing by apologizing - you've given him a powerful lesson. A reminder that you, too, are only human.
Love you.
Did you just say F-- you, or did you also add - AND the horse you rode in on!
I would add that, definitely!
Cut yourself some slack, my dear. It's ok to let it slip.
I just think it's OK to be angry and not be perfectly composed.
You may not believe this, but you are not the first good parent to ever let that statement fly at her adult son. I know a few others who have shouted the same words to her teen aged at the time son who then walked away from her in a crowded city in a foreign country. She had to chase him and apologize and the two of them laugh about it often these days, a few years later of course. Forgive yourself, he pushes your buttons and you know it. You are human.
Oh Jerri! Everyone here is right-- you are only human. And I'm sorry, but maybe he needed to hear that. And also, it's not going to KILL him! He will live to be a jerk another day. TRUST me. ;)
And the fact that he is taking this chance to change the subject, is just manipulation. You should NOT let him GUILT you into being so sorry about what is really such a little thing!! Stop that! Don't you see? You are playing right along. DON'T let him change the subject! You said you were sorry, and that should be the end of that.
You are a WONDERFUL mom, and a GOOD person, and the F word can't ever change that... I have the feeling that if "some other" mom was around, he might have gotten a lot more than a simple F-you. Me, for instance. I would have been far more colorful.
Jerri, I would have given ANYTHING to have a person like you for my mom. If this is the worst he ever gets from you, he should count his blessings. Pft.
(((you)))
Well, actually, considering your long entanglement together, I say, congratu-f-u-lations!!
Sometimes getting angry is the only sane thing to do. It definitely states your boundary. And that's been a mighty hard line for you to work on with him.
Instead of focusing on how poorly your handled things, or how wrong you were, or how there was no excuse for your behavior (I'm such a bad mother, etc), focus on the fact that you are walking closer to autonomy and self-protection. Not taking his crap (or your sister's.)
Again, congratu-f-u-lations!!
Listen to the sound of virtual cocktail glasses clinking, Jerri.
(Oh and if the occasional FU was the only thing we had to survive as kids, there'd be no memoirs to write!!)
Cheers!
Sometimes ya gotta say what ya gotta say. Sometimes other words don't work.
Fight fire with fire sometimes.
Fucking love you....
Suzy
Yup, I think it's all been said here. So many good points made. Do not let him manipulate you into making it all about two tiny words spoken in anger. We are human, we do lose tempers - you less than most people, I suspect. So I agree, it's not so bad for him to see that you have limits, too.
Forgive yourself and move forward. Here's another clink of that martini glass from Portland.
I don't know who your neighbors are, but if I were one of them, I'd probably be saying, "thank G-d Jerri finally spoke up for herself! How wonderful that she let some of it out at last!, what a creep he is to disrespect his mother like that, it's about time she let him have it!"
This is not the low road you are on my dear, it is the path to emotional freedom. Sometimes a painful one indeed.
-e-
Ditto everyone. Low road? Not sure that's the low road. Letting yourself be belittled by him is the low road. Now he knows just who he's dealing with, and that might be the wake up call he's been needing.
I second and third everything that's been said here so far. Your road is not a low one, and I don't see how you can be cold or in the dark with the warmth and light of all the love you are. And all the love that is being sent your way.
Find Anne Lamott's story about the time she slapped Sam. It might help.
Oh Jerri, you should have marched right out on the front lawn and taken a bow.
I bet at least a few of your neighbors were rooting for you, and if not, fuck them!
Roar Lady!
It's not like he's a small child and one can only take so much. I'm sure he had it coming if it came out of your sweet mouth.
It's not like he's a small child and one can only take so much. I'm sure he had it coming if it came out of your sweet mouth.
Ah, sis, I do hope you're taking your friends words to heart.
I vote for Suzy as best representing the sentiment of all of us.
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