My eyes open to darkness. Confused, I blink to clear my head. Ahhh. A dream. The light was a dream. Moments before, in exactly the same place and time, the room was filled with dazzling, warm, golden light.
As my brain makes peace with the unexpected darkness, I see it. Even in the darkness, there is light. The light of love is always there if only I can see it.
Things continue to be difficult with Evan. He called, shouting at me about how awful it was that I said F U to him, how awful I am. With you all at my back, I told him I had apologized and meant it. I told him we could talk, but he could not shout at me. When he started shouting in response, I said good-bye and hung up.
In the last few days, your comments and e-mails have shined light and warmth onto my path. Suzy forwarded me a piece from Abraham-Hicks that really, really helped. Deb suggested an Ann LaMott story. It really, really helped, too.
The pond has done its part. It's been out there glowing like crazy in the moonlight these past few nights. In the midst of deep sadness, incredible beauty.
Maybe that's what peace is. Not the absence of crap and trouble, but choosing to look past the crap and trouble to see the beauty and feel the love that surrounds us.
Hmmmm. No matter what the smart folk think, that's going to be my definition from now on.
From my heart to yours, I send love and peace. Oh, and a great big beam of that golden light.
9 comments:
I'll go with that definition too!
: )
Beamin' back atcha!
Great, great piece, J.
Evan will be tossing this in your face for a long time, so the sooner you can let it go, the better.
And by the way...how often has he apologized for the dozens or hundreds of times he's said the same or worse to you...?
I think one of the greatest things you can teach your son is that you will not give up yourself for him. By that teaching, regardless of how hard he pushes to find out, he will learn not to give up himself to his own destructive impulses (or people that intimidate him...his father?).
Teach him that he cannot take down a woman and he will learn what a good feeling that is...and he'll learn that there are other ways to be seen and heard than dominating or creating a drama.
Comes down to self-respect. It's not doing him any favor to take his pain on, to make it about you, to feel unworthy and inadequate yourself.
Just keep close to that light and it will all work itself out over time.
p.s. love the anne lamott story, too!
Your power, persistence and wisdom are to be wondered at and inspired by. The poetry with which you share your heart is pure magic. Meeting you in the middle of that great beam of lovely light - until you find your way here.
Yep, I like that definition, too. :)
Sometimes I picture you in your chair by the window and I really really wish I could be sitting there with you drinking tea from a Love mug and talking.
Now you seem to be getting the hang of creating boundaries, good job. More golden light to you. Love-
GOOD for YOU! Perfect response.
...I was talking to my aunt last night. She is a beautiful, loving person (like you), and she has a son who is/has always been, so mean and abusive and angry at her. I don't understand it at all. he is adopted, and I often wonder if he somehow is angry about that. But then he got SO lucky in his parents, so I still just don't GET it. She also struggles to know how to respond to him, like you do. It is so hard and painful. But more and more she is also taking this road, too. i cheer you both on!
ox :)
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