Monday, February 12, 2007

The Power of Fear

I had my first orgasm at 16.

My boyfriend and I were making out in the front seat of his car after Homecoming. After 15 or 20 minutes of serious kissing, he unbuttoned my shirt, moved my bra aside and kissed my naked breast. POW! What a feeling! Afterward, sitting alone in my dark bedroom, I figured out what had happened. I distinctly remember thinking about a magazine article I'd read about how hard it is to achieve orgasm. I can still hear the voice in my head and feel the fear it created. "That's supposed to be hard to do. What if I never get to do it again? What if I'm punished for doing it so easily now, when I'm not supposed to. What if the punishment is not getting to feel it later, when the time is right?"

I didn't have another orgasm for almost three decades.

I worked for the newspaper in Lynchburg, Virginia in the mid 70s, along with an unhappy, obese woman named Judy. One day Judy looked at my forearms and pronounced that I'd never be able to have children because, like her, I had too much hair on my arms and that hair was a sign that I had too many male hormones.

A decade later, Judy's words echoed in my head during every infertility treatment I endured.

So many, many times I've wondered whether my thoughts and Judy's words were self-fulfilling prophesies. This morning some big dots connected themselves in my head.

It wasn't the thoughts or the words that drew these things into my life, it was the feelings they created. Fear, guilt, shame, and remorse are magnets for lack, for loss, for pain.

Mystic Wing and I have spent long hours playing with and studying magnets. Their laws are immutable: whatever you run from chases you. Stop running, step toward it, and the very thing that has been chasing you retreats. Every. Single. Time.

The Law of Attraction is so damned simple. And so damned irrefutable.


Mystic Wing said...

Well Sis, maybe you should look up that original boyfriend, and chain him in your basement in handcuffs.

The guy must 've had some mojo.

Prema said...

Wow, three decades. That made me instantly, incredibly sad. I'm so happy that you now know you that you deserve pleasure. And that you do have the capacity for great sexual pleasure. Why is that so easy to forget? And technology has come a long way in thirty years! May you benefit from the wisdom of the Carrie/Holly club.

Anonymous said...

...and so damned difficult to put into practice sometimes!

But yes. As usual, you are wise. Great post. :)

Amber said...

LMAO at Mystic Wing's idea! I'll say!

You know what? This is something that has been dancing around my head teh last few days. Ever since Oprah's show on The Secret. And I mean, it's not like that whole idea was new to me! I have been reading Wayne Dyer's books forever! He talks about attraction and the like, in all of them...Really it is just common sense.

I don't know if I have ever blogged about this-- i don't think i really have, because I fear 'making it come true'. Anyway, i had this dream six years ago, that I was told I was going to die when I am 36....And you know how I have pre-cog dreams? So this has HAUNTED me all this time. Really. It has just been awful! I think about it all the time.Trying to get ahold of my fear.

But now I am trying to look at it another way. I need to not attrack that into my life. I like what you said abotu it being the FEELING that you envite. I can really do some thinking about that...Because the feeling really is that I will leave my children while they are too young to be without me, and that I will thus fail them. I fear letting people down. And wouldn't that be the biggest way to let them down and abandon them? And this makes me FEEL guilty.

See how you make me think? I really am going meditate on this...

Love to you.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

I know, I hate how the simplest things are so DAMN hard, and you're right, irrefutable!

Now, join the Carrie/Holly club! Woodland creatures, I'm telling you, do the trick every time!

JessPDX said...

Great great post. Thank you.

holly said...

yes! all the way around.