Sunday, November 02, 2008

In the Nick of Time

Thursday: Spent some time thinking about animal totems and decided to learn more about bluebird as totem. No particular reason, I just felt drawn to it. Downloaded some bluebird photos and packed up my paints and pastels to take along to visit my brother this weekend.

Friday: On the phone talking business with a new client. Katie beeped in, but I ignored the signal. She emailed, asking me to call. I shot back--"On the phone. You okay?"

Moments later, she beeped in again and I excused myself, telling the client, "My daughter needs me. She wouldn't interrupt if it weren't important."

Returned Katie's call and heard sobs first, and then, "Mom, they found my birth mother."

We cried together and talked for half an hour. She wasn't sure what to do next. I encouraged her to call N, imagining how eager N must be for something to happen next. Katie decided she would and said she'd call me back as soon as she finished talking to N.

More than an hour later, I was pacing, crying, and feeling so alone. Against my better judgment, I tried to call Katie and got no answer. Ugly voices in my head whispered, "Of course she didn't answer, she's still on the phone with her real mother."

Desolation is the only word for what I felt. Another hour passed before Katie called back. We talked and laughed and cried. As I posted yesterday, I called N and we laughed and cried together.

That post didn't mention that as N and I talked, I was driving to southern Missouri. It also didn't mention that I cried so hard afterward that I had to pull off the highway to get control of myself or that I missed a turn and had to drive 50 miles out of my way after I realized I how far afield I'd drifted.

Saturday: No water to be carried, but did we ever "Chop Wood."

Then we made horseradish.

Then we gathered walnuts.

Then we drank wine on the patio. A bluebird landed in the tree beside me. An honest-to-God, state-bird-of-Missouri, almost-died-off-but-being-repopulated bluebird. I have not seen one in more than a decade. Maybe two decades.

Care to guess the lesson of the bluebird totem?
"When bluebird flies into your life it serves as a reminder to allow others to grow in their own way and time."

Um....yeah. Like that.

Bluebird. I'm SO going to need his lessons.


Deb said...

Please allow yourself to know that in the allowing the bluebird has requested, you get more not less - more love, more life, more richness. So glad he brought you this message.

I'm here, holding you in my heart.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

No accidents! I know, you could slap me, but c'mon with the BLUEBIRD!!!

mamatulip said...

Wow. What a weekend, Jerri.

Michelle O'Neil said...


luckyzmom said...

Just want to say, "You are her real mother. N is her birth mother."

I hope you don't mind me popping up here. For the past four or five days I have been reading your blog from your first post. For several months I have meant to do so after reading some of your comments on Believing Soul. To finish the reading here, at such a critical point in you and your daughters life is amazing. I just wish I had the words to describe how I feel right not and how I felt reading your posts. I will say that I cried alot. So, it was beneficial as I got rid of some of those toxins you've talked about!

kario said...

Sending love. And breath. Lots of both.