Saturday, September 15, 2007

Tough Cookie

When things get rough, I often tell myself and others that I'll be all right, that I'm a tough cookie. Never mention my cream-filled center, though.

The situation between Evan and me is deteriorating by the moment. He's angry all the time and uses that anger like a hammer. Today he hit me with two of his best: my weight and the fact that I didn't give birth to him.

As in, "It's a good thing you didn't have real kids, isn't it?"

I know he's hurting. I know he's lonely. I know he lashes out with what he knows will hurt worst, whether he believes it or not.

I also know I promised myself I would never again live mostly in my bedroom or hide from his anger in my closet as I did when he was in high school. He's not expressing his anger with violence. Yet.

I'm writing this from my closet, but only because I don't want him to hear me cry.

I need help. Please pray (if that's your way) for us both.


24crayons said...

You're living through what I think is my worst fear with my step-son. He's my son in every other way, but he has these shifts sometimes and isn't always the little boy he once was. His bio-mom did a lot of damage, and I'm not sure that anything I do will repair or even soothe what he will do with his rage one day.

Anonymous said...

Many, many prayers to you and Evan. Your right, he is hurting. His anger is not about you, but taking it out on you is the safest for him because he knows you will always love him. Yes, he knows your weakest spots and will just say anything, when angry, just to hurt the most. Even when it is so not true.
Along with my prayers I am sending you lots of positive engergy and tranquility, so hopeful you can find a solution to this. You should not have to live afraid of another person's temper, even your sons. You do not deserve that.

Cynthia said...

Jerri, you have my prayers and loving thoughts. Both of you.

Deb said...

Feel me in the closet with you, holding you and crying with you. I'm praying that you'll both find love and light out of this difficult time. Sending you love from the depths of my heart.

Jenny said...

Jerri, you have my prayers too. Would love to talk with you about adoption one day.

Ziji Wangmo said...

Many many blessings to you!
luv u

Anonymous said...

Well, prayer is fine, but it sounds like you need ACTION more right now. This post makes it clear that you are afraid for your physical safety. Stop making excuses for him. He has issues to work on, but not at the expense of your physical well being or sense of security in your own home. It's boundary time honey... he has to move out, this situation is healthy for no one!

Amber said...

I was gone when you wrote this. And I can't really-- or shouldn't really-- say what I am thinking here.
I will only say this: It is NOT okay for ANYONE to abuse you. Even your son. Period. For any reason, even if he is hurting.
To think about it, makes me see red...

This reminds me of my Aunt Dene and her son, who also happens to be adopted. She is also a wonderful and loving person, but for whatever reason one of her sons is a really mean person. He treats her just like this, and it is wrong. Just wrong.

I am praying for you to have peace, and be strong enough to protect yourself the way you need to. And to know that you should be loved. Only loved!


Jess said...

I'm so sorry I am late to this post, but my heart is absolutely with you right now. And with him, too. But no matter what his pain, YOU deserve better and do not need to put up with feeling this way, feeling trapped or abused. Time to set some boundaries with that! What does Barb say? :)

Much much love to you. Love and bubble tea.

holly said...

WAY late to this post. But sending thoughts and love through cyber space and the ethers.

Stacy said...

Oh NO no no, please don't let anyone treat you badly, especially those you love. Evan might be adopted but I am guessing he learned how to manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself from someone who knew how to do it best, his father maybe?
Compassion and love are good and I send my belated heartfelt prayers to you both to learn to treat each other sweetly.
Maybe a new reaction (like NO reaction, no response, I cant hear ugly words from people I Love?) to his offenses would begin to turn his table?
sending a safe warm hug-NOW