Thursday, July 01, 2010

Planning a Lunch and a Wedding

N (Katie's birth mother) and I are having lunch next week. We haven't seen one another since Mother's Day 2009, which is far too long. She's a lovely woman.

As the wedding planning ramps up, I realize how complicated this could be. My nephew and his bride-to-be are going crazy trying to mollify two two-parent families. Katie has four sets of parents in addition to her extended family, step-family and birth families.

Danger, Will Robinson!

My dream for Katie is that her wedding be peaceful and joyous. She will be at peace only if her families are. The night she asked me to help her find her birth mother, she said she wanted to know her well enough to have her at the eventual wedding. The eventual has become the actual. She has the dress, the guests, the cake, the whole darn thing. We're supposed to sign a contract for the reception location today.

I want to know Nancy's dreams for herself and the wedding. All final decisions are Katie's, of course, but I can influence the course of our ship of dreams. Knowing what N wants gives me a sort of star chart to work with. Katie is careful to be respectful of my feelings, and I appreciate that more than she'll ever know. Even so, I don't want the two of them to miss out on things they'd like to share. If I know enough to make the right suggestions, Katie won't have to worry about hurting my feelings, and she won't have to worry about disappointing N.

And so, I've asked N to lunch. My hope is that we'll talk and laugh and share our dreams for our daughter. My job here is to compromise. To make room. To live my love for my daughter. Come to think of it, N's job is pretty much the same.

We have a lot in common.

6 comments: said...

Your big, wide, open heart inspires me.

kario said...

Although my wedding was nearly 20 years ago (!), I had a similar dynamic. My father's second ex-wife (he was on #3 at that time) was my maid of honor, my mother couldn't stand to be in the same room as my father, I chose not to have anyone walk me down the aisle, I was a vegetarian and my in-laws were/are cattle ranchers...I could go on, but I won't.

The upshot is that Bubba and I let everyone know right away that this was our wedding. We wanted to include all of them in some meaningful way, and we didn't want to hurt any feelings or step on any toes (we got married at a winery - my mother is a devout Catholic - big steppage!), but we had a duty to each other to plan a special day according to our own wishes and desires and we hoped that they would join in the spirit of the day and honor us by being there with smiles on their faces.

They all came, they all loved us, and frankly, I was too damn busy to see whether they shot each other dirty looks at the reception. I had fun and it was my first real "grown-up-I'm-starting-my-own-adult-life" moment. I was proud.


Carrie Wilson Link said...


There is only abundance, no scarcity.


Amber said...

Um, could YOU be more beautiful??! You are the best. Theeeee best.

I bet just being there to see it will be enough for N. It will be a happy day.



Deb Shucka said...

That you're willing to meet her on common ground - the love of your daughter - says so much about what an amazing woman you are. What you give, so shall you receive. Love.

luckyzmom said...

You are doing a wonderful job!!!!