Saturday, August 04, 2007

No Match

I did it. I joined match.com. So far, the news is not good.

In my age range, widowed men are somewhat common and I thought this might be better than the typical had-a-mid-life-crisis-and-left-my-wife crowd.

Last Wednesday I met a college professor for a glass of wine. From his dead-fish handshake to his way of assuming my agreement with everything he said rather than asking, this man was not for me. A widower for 10 years, he expressed great anger over his wife's fate and his own. Raising two kids alone, pre-teen at the time of their mother's death, was not his idea of how life would go. No one imagines such a thing, but 10 years ought to be enough to start to get a grip on it, epecially if you're in the mental health field.

Warning: I'm about to be terribly petty. Stop reading now if you don't want to harsh your mellow.

I couldn't stop staring at this guy's head. He looks like AARP's version of Charlie Brown: a completely round head. Spherical. A beach ball with ears. Mostly bald, he keeps what little ginger-colored hair he has very closely cropped and dozens of liver-colored old age spots cover his scalp. If he carried a football, people would offer to hold it for him to kick.

Saturday I met an architect for lunch. I knew it would not go well but had already committed to it by the time I recognized just what a train wreck it would be. When we talked on the phone before meeting, he described his various cars in great detail but said he'd be driving his Mercedes (the big one, the biggest one they make) to lunch. At every juncture, he took pains to leave clues that he's very, very rich.

He also left clues that he's very, very angry. His wife died a year and a half ago, and he didn't have a kind word to say about her family or anyone else who tried to help during her protracted illness.

It only got worse in person. He spent most of the lunch talking smack about his wife's family and even his wife herself. Evidently, she was not a model patient. Just wouldn't do as she was told. Oh, dear.

It didn't matter because his personality was not the least bit appealing, but he had gained the equivalent of a 5th grader since his profile photos were taken and had passed the my-hair-desperately-needs-cut stage about many weeks ago. Even so, washing it might have helped.

Maybe it looks better in the mirror of his Mercedes.

Appearance is not everything, not even the main thing. It's my experience that when people are dear to me, they look dear. But it's got to start with some spark, some kind of mental or spiritual connection, and there were no sparks. None. Nada. Sparkless.

Critically dry forests were completely safe in our midsts. You could have pumped pure oxygen into the room without a moment's concern for our safety or your own. Children could have worn pajamas without flame-retardant chemicals and not even the Consumer Products Safety Commission would have objected.

The inimitable Jennifer Calliandro once told me that at my age, I had to expect guys to have baggage. She suggested I look for someone whose baggage is more carry-on than steamer trunk.

Lord knows (and so do I) that I've got my own issues but Geesh, this was ridiculous. It would take six Sherpas each to carry this kind of baggage.

(big sigh)

Okay, I'm back to my better nature now. Feel free to shake your head and cluck your tongue over what a judgmental witch I can be.

11 comments:

magicaldamselfly said...

((((Jerri))))
My dear we do all come with baggage but that does not mean we have to open that baggage and share the trash.
I'm of the opinion that we all agree there is baggage behind us and leave it in the attic. You were not a part of that chapter so you should not have to deal with it. At some point one must open it deal with it then lock it up and store it away and move on into a brand new day.
The next time you commit to an outing if you later feel/sense that it is not right for you for god sake girl get amnesia or a cold or some other god awful thing but don't go. Instead go off with a friend and have pretend it's 5 o'clock, because it is somewhere.

Love and hugs to you,
Sheila

Suzy said...

LMAO!! This sounds like a sit com.

Sounds like you dated the 3 stooges.

But I am sorry you had to go through these 3.

Mystic Wing said...

Keep at it, kid. Not all the old men will be losers.

And when faced with angry ex employees, you might try the tonglen meditation—breath in the other's anger, treating it as though it were oxygen for you to digest. This technique has a strange way of making animus less intimidating and disheartening.

Jess said...

That was hilarious. But I am really sorry you had to experience it. If someone can't even pretend to be nice on a first date, it doesn't look so good.

I think you will find the right one, at the right time. :)

And maybe I'll come back and see you in about two weeks?

Eileen said...

I had to laugh at your descriptions. It sounded like a very bad movie. A very long movie for you.
I do think it is great that you are taking a risk and trying Match.com and I wouldn't give up just yet. You just never know.
Keep your sense of humor and take care!

kario said...

You are a riot! Of course by now, you've learned that the first rule of dating is to have a sense of humor. The second is to hold your sense of yourself very close and remember that you deserve someone very special. Sounds like these men all wanted a therapist, not a partner. Keep looking and keep sharing. At the very least it's good fodder for you to practice your humor writing ;-)

Love you!

Ziji Wangmo said...

Get out! I'm not shaking my head at you. This is your blog and anyone who comes here is on your side. We're with you, girlfriend!
Keep at it -don't quit the date scene, yet. I'm sure they'll be some more interesting guys to come along...like the one in your dream.
I agree with kario -keep sharing. At the least it will be good fodder for you to practice you humor writing :)

Deb said...

You did the only thing you could to salvage these dates - turned them into stories that made us laugh out loud. I loved the gaining the equivalent of a fifth graders and washing it might have helped. Eeew!

I was thinking you could do a flip side to your NTKoG series - NTKoG(uy) Please!

Kudos for taking the risk. Don't give up and keep sharing.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Damn! Deb took what I was going to say! I like the NTKoG is begging to be written!

P.S. You might want to try Dharma Match.

Amber said...

Don't give up! One of my friends did match.com, and they have been married for about ten years now.

Just the right hottie is waiting to find you.

:)

Stacy said...

"Critically dry forests were completely safe in our midsts. You could have pumped pure oxygen into the room without a moment's concern for our safety or your own. Children could have worn pajamas without flame-retardant chemicals and not even the Consumer Products Safety Commission would have objected."
Rolling on the floor laughing.