Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Invisibility

As many of you know by now, when I get stressed, I move through my days wrapped in a cloak of invisibility. Don't talk much, don't do a good job of answering either phone or e-mail messages. Just get through.

Until a month or so ago, it did not occur to me that my invisibility can impact others. I truly didn't realize anyone would miss me and never, ever imagined they might be hurt or wonder what went wrong.

So much for sensitivity, right?

Over the course of the last month, several situations have unfolded where I've been forced to recognize that my habit of disappearing hurts others from time to time, and I'm in the process of working through that. Making amends, trying to become more conscious.

Last Thursday I went to my favorite yoga studio for the first time in many, many months. The teacher greeted me like the prodigal daughter and the other students were incredibly warm and welcoming. Went to another class on Monday. Different teacher, different students. Same response. I couldn't have been more surprised.

The thing is, in almost every way I recognize that everything's connected, that the whole is dependent upon the parts. So it's a mystery that I have been too wrapped up in my own stuff to realize my absence would impact others, would take something away from the whole, whether it's a class, a friendship, or a circle of writers.

To the many loving friends who have held space for me during these times, thank you. And my deepest apologies to those I've hurt.

There still may be times when I need my cloak, but from now on, I'll let you know when I'm donning it. I'll make sure you know how important you are to me and that my distance is my own and has nothing to do with you. To be more accurate, I will make every effort to do these things. If you notice me messing up on this, please get my attention (a 2 x 4 works nicely) and remind me of the world outside myself.

Thank you all.

8 comments:

kario said...

I love that you express gratitude for those who have held space for you. I know, though, that those of us lucky enough to know your loving, generous spirit realize without being told that you would never do anything to hurt another person.

Of course, the added benefit of letting people know when you're 'donning your cloak' is that we can send love and support while you're encased.

Love you.

Suzy said...

It is difficult when the "invisible shield" hits, to imagine that there is an impact on anyone else.
Thank you for bringing this to light-

Love.
Suzy

Go Mama said...

Yes, the whole is dependent upon the parts, but sometimes in order to be whole, we must move away from the whole in order to fill the hole, which makes us more wholly whole so that we can bring wholeness back to the whole. Dig?

In other words, sometimes you have to do what you have to do, and you can't be responsible for everyone else, and that is ok.

You have a dear and generous heart, and I hold for you the same space you have offered me, with love and patience and acceptance.

Save the 2x4s to build some shelves or something, 'kay?

Mystic Wing said...

Yeah, no more of this invisibility stuff, okay?

Of all my friends, you are one of the most aware, and yet you've been remarkably unaware of the impact you have on others.

We'll have a very long, long talk in a few days.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

We can all use this reminder. Interconnectedness, it never ceases to amaze me!

Deb said...

Isn't it nice to know that you matter and are integral to the whole, no matter what you do or feel. And that you'll always be welcomed home no matter what. Please be as gentle and loving to yourself as you are to all of us.

Ziji Wangmo said...

Great Post!
You must be very aware to even realize that you are doing this - everything/everyone is interconnected, yes, but sometimes we just need to carve out some space for ourselves in these busy lives we live.

Kim said...

Wow, that post hit very close to home...she said, in a muffled voice from deep inside her own cloak.