Sunday, July 08, 2007

The Eagle Has Landed

I'm all registered and set up for the conference here in Taos, but as the minutes tick by, it seems like less and less of a good idea. My intestines have tied themselves into a hangman's noose and all the moisture in my body has collected into a lump in my throat. Right now the only thing I really want to do is run for my life, run back to the pond where I can be invisible if I choose.

Something or another led me to do a little research on birth order last week. Several of the discussions of middle children mentioned our tendency to feel invisible. I sure did, and I hated it. Now as an adult, I've cultivated the ability to go invisible when I need to, to withdraw so far into myself that I imagine others can't even see me, let alone criticize or hurt me.

I know my cloak of invisibility exists only in my head. But I'll tell you this: when I go invisible, people don't talk to me much and I can go about my business without putting on make up or doing my hair. Strange but true.

Now I'm about to be as visible as it gets. And not in Carrie's living room among people I regard as family. Nope. This time it's among strangers in a setting filled with opportunities to make a fool out of myself.


I've been watch the other writers arrive for 45 minutes now. They're all cuter and thinner and smarter than me. Much better writers, too. I can tell none of them feels out of place or out of their league. Not a single one of them looks as though they're contemplating hitching a ride to the airport or locking themselves in their rooms until this thing's over.

Guess I'll go put on some lipstick. It should go well with the dirty splotch down the leg of my white jeans. And, of course, my new cowboy boots.

Think Our Lady will protect me?


Mystic Wing said...

Five bucks says that your feeling will be a whole lot different in a few days.

Care to take that bet?

Terry Whitaker said...

You CANT be invisible with those boots! I bet your writing will match them in personality. Care to take that bet?

Anonymous said...

Breathe and go. Your not the only in the room feeling like that. You are just as beautiful and talented as the others and deserve to be there just as much, middle child or not. You will love it. Love the boots. XOXO

Michelle O'Neil said...

Nice boots Jerri. You can totally be bossy in those.

I'm sure by now (Mon AM) you are doing just fine.

riversgrace said...

Honey, put on those boots (and the earrings, too - where did you find those!) and read this blog post to the group of svelte writers. I can assure you, you will be the most trusted, beloved person in the room. Self-rejection is the worst, isn't it? It extends all around in all dimensions. If you can embrace the whole enchilada, you've stepped out of that box.

Give voice to it, shine a light on it - we ALL have it.

Lots and lots of love. Imagine us sitting by you as you write and read.

Jess said...

You do not need make-up or fancy hair or even super cute boots (and they are super cute) to kick ass there and be your most gorgeous self. You are that, and they will love you. Yes, imagine us with you. We are there. Just as all of you are in my car with me. :)

And now, back to my car.

Go Mama said...

Go Jerri, Go!

You're one fab writer and a helluva woman too!

Nothing to hide about. Here's to coming out.

Nancy said...

Didn't know it was a middle child invisible trick involves becoming wallpaper. You will whip off that cloak and be amazing!