Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Menopause? Hell, no. Men-o-stop!

Like Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad About My Neck. If a wishing fairy appeared before me, it would be a tough choice between asking her to help me learn to write and asking her to melt the turkey wattle appearing below my chin(s).

Who am I kidding? I wouldn't even bat an eyelash. I'd drop on my knees and tip my head back to make sure her wand had total access to the disaster area. I can work on the writing, but unless a miracle happens, my neck is going to introduce itself to my boobs one day very soon.

And if the droopage weren't enough, the damn thing's sprouting small dark spots that grow into skin tags, tiny wart-like affairs, if I don't exfoliate often enough. And I don't. At least, not when things are so crazy.

Pink Boots Guy used to say he could tell how my world was going by feeling my butt. Smooth skin meant I was taking care of myself; dry, scaly patches meant trouble in not-quite-paradise. No one's checking out that area these days and I'd be happy with just managing to maintain the parts that show!

The other day I accidentally caught sight of myself in a mirror and discovered my neck was covered with so many skin tags it looked like I'd been fertilizing the damn things. Even worse, it had developed a couple bigger scaly spots the dermatologist tells me are just part of old age. Since then I've used salt scrub every morning in the shower and it's better. But if you see that wish fairy, send her my way, will you?

BTW--the dermatologist survived that comment. Recovering nicely, I hear.


Terry said...

I have the big scaly spots all over my back, when I read about them on-line they were "affectionately" referred to as "barnacles of aging"! I have found that using AlphaHydrox lotion helps to dry them out and exfoliate much quicker. I enjoy your writing!

kario said...

Someone told me that if you tie a thin piece of thread around the skin tags really tightly, it cuts off their blood supply and they fall off. I want to know A. who has time for that, B. who the hell can see to tie thin thread around each and every one of those little buggers (especially if they're on your neck), and C. whether I'll end up sweeping up little knots and bits of skin off my kitchen floor in a few days.

Getting old sucks. The least we can do is have a sense of humor about it. OH, and find an older female dermatologist who will at least be sympathetic!

Mystic Wing said...

Hee hee.

At least we're getting little warning signs, so that final dirt nap won't take us totally by surprise.

The other day, I realized that some portion of my insides were trying to escape through the abdominal muscles near my navel.

No big deal, I was told. Just a little hernia beginning to form. Entirely understandable, at my age. Doc was 30 years old, about the age of my loafers.

Sh*t, I hate this aging thing.

Suzy said...

I can't wait until my mustache makes me look like Groucho Marx.

I know lots of fairies. Any in particular you'd like to meet?


PS the both of you better stop bitching about the age thing- I'm the one turning 60 in 6 months.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

: )

Deb said...

Thanks for making me laugh about this shit. You neglected to mention jowls, wrinkled earlobes and feet that look like the roots of some old oak tree. I'm fighting back by refusing to get glasses - and praying I can continue to fake my way through the driving eye test.

Jess said...

Jerri, you're beautiful and I don't care how old you are. Maybe it's easy for me to say that, but being somewhat younger sucks in other ways, so don't forget that. :)

riversgrace said...

Dirt nap.....oh, lordy, I'm howlin over here. For one, bless you for saying it all out loud. Then, for writing so beautifully about it, and, finally, for dishing up the humor in a way that doubles me over. Takes a lot to do that before I start the morning. Thanks to you and MW. I have my own additions but I can't talk about it!

holly said...

Oh wait, I have my breath enough to type. have seen the future and I an laughing at it!

Kim said...

Ditto the others: your humor is the greatest way to get through this! That, and the plain and simple fact that you are a beautiful woman.

That dermatologist better hope he doesn't ever run into me in a back alley somewhere.