Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Detente

It's official. Evan will be getting his own apartment again. The administrator of his trust called yesterday to approve signing a lease.

I am relieved. Thrilled. Sad.

He's 25. He lived on his own for a long time. He doesn't want to live with his mother. I've got all that. But why can't I manage to get along with my son? Why does proximity to me make him profoundly uncomfortable and unhappy?

It's an old story, an old wound. When he was 13 or 14, he opened the car door at a traffic light and stood, half in and half out of the car so I couldn't drive, through 3 cycles of lights. When he finally got back in the car, he said, "Good. Now the people behind us hate you as much as I do."

Last night he said, "I can't wait to get the *&(% ouf of here. No one should be forced to live with you." Then he stormed out. Again.

25 years and counting. I'm still questioning, searching, trying. He's still throwing my love under the bus.

But soon my home will again be my refuge rather than center stage for our drama. There's the relief.

My beloved son can't abide my presence. There's the sad.

12 comments:

Mystic Wing said...

Evan is mad at the world, sis, and that fact that he directs this rage at you shows that he trust you, in an odd way.

YOu don't have the right to take responsibility for his rage. It belongs to him, and it's his to deal with.

Easier said than done, I know. But this is one case where I'm right.

Suzy said...

MW is totally on target. Evan feels safe ranting at you because you are the only one who will NEVER go away. Certainly not an excuse for acting that way, but he is very unhappy and doesn't know any other way to deal with it.

Love
Suzy

kario said...

I am so pleased that your home will soon be yours again. I hope that you can surround yourself with people and things that remind you of your generous spirit and loving nature. Evan needs to conquer his own demons in his own time and space and I suspect that your efforts to help him have unwittingly reminded him of what he is unable to do for himself right now. I can recall pushing away the one person who consistently showed me love without judgement in an effort to deny the pain I was feeling, but I'm happy to say that her unwavering love eventually won out and she is, today, one of my very best friends and the person who probably saved my life.

I love you. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate the return of your sanctuary.

Amber said...

I am so sad to read how sad you sound... Gosh, I just don't get it. Maybe he saw you treated like that, and so learned it was okay to do? Not that I know anything.
I just know a ton of kids-- myself, as well-- who would be counting lucky stars to have you mother them. And again, it so reminds me of my Aunt Dene and her son Derek, and I just don't GET it. I wish I understood.
*sigh*
I wish I could hug you.

Here (((you)))

:)

Go Mama said...

breathe. you have provided a safe space for him, even while he has made your place not safe for you.
trust that he will find his way. now it's time for you to find yours. your space. your healing.

sending love and compassion.

you are love.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Mystic Wing is dead on. He is projecting. He is outwardly treating you the way he feels about himself, and he knows he can because you love him unconditionally. It's reverse intimacy, and while hardly desirable, a compliment in disguise.

Michelle O'Neil said...

Wouldn't it be fun if the next time Evan verbally assaulted you, you kicked his sorry little ass?

Ah...sorry. Having a little Alley McBeal fantasy moment.

Yeah, he trusts you. Yeah, he loves you. Yeah it's hard to live with your mom once you've been out on your own.

Thwack!

Stacy said...

Forced to live with you, that's funny. Evan is responsible for what and he's mad at you for ? If you do not mind, please tell him for me I find him really boring and tedious.Time to take charge of his own happiness, agreeing with MW too!

Jess said...

Well there's not much to add here, MW and everyone have already nailed it. We all take out the worst stuff on those we love and trust most. Obviously E has a lot of anger. How much therapy has he done? Have you ever gone together? Not that I expect he'd take well to that, but it's an idea. You need your safe space back, and I'm glad that you are getting it. I wish healing for both of you.

magicaldamselfly said...

Jerri~
First off I send you ::gentle hugs::
Then I'll go on to say two things, first off he wouldn't talk to you in that manner or treat you in this way if he did not trust your love for him. Secondly, notice where he comes when he is in need of a place to land, where he knows he will be taken in and loved not matter what. It is not fair that we who love unconditionally should get this treatment but he is angry at himself at the world at all of the injustices he feels are put upon him and he knows, in his deepest places, that you will always love him and be there for him. Such is the life of a mother soul.

Be gentle with you,
::gentle hugs::
Sheila

Eileen said...

Jerri,
I am so behind with my reading and posting, but this made me sad, for you. You are a beautiful, caring and gentle soul. Evan's stuff is exactly that, his stuff. You are not responsible for his happiness, although all mother's try so hard to make this happen. His rage towards you, is a sick compliment, because you are safe, and unconditonal love for him. He knows that on some level, and lets it all out, and boy does he know right where to go to hurt the most. I am glad he is moving out. But it is not you. It is his stuff, and don't you dare own it!!! You are an excellent mother, and don't deserve this.
Love.

Deb said...

I have nothing new to add to the wisdom offered above except my agreement. And my sadness that you're hurting so. And a picture of me holding you in the folds of my heart.

Wish I could be there with you as you cleanse your house and your soul of the toxicity this has created so you can find balance and equanimity again.

Much love.