Sunday, February 14, 2010

Crying Time

I find myself crying a lot lately.

It's strange, really. I'm driving or cooking or working and suddenly, I'm sobbing. Not sniffling. Not discovering tears on my face. Sobbing.

My son's girlfriend, my goddaughter and my niece are pregnant right now. None of them planned her pregnancy. None is married. None is prepared. All are both excited and terrified. I am both excited and terrified for them.

But that's not why I'm crying.

When I struggled with infertility, my doctor suggested joining a support group at an organization known as Resolve. My then-husband would not hear of it. Not only would he not go, he refused to let me go.

Yes, I know. Now, I know. He didn't have to let me. He had no right to dictate my path. But then, I was afraid to make him mad, unwilling to hurt his feelings with my grief. (We could not have children born to us mostly because he had radiation therapy for cancer. He took any sign of sadness as disloyalty--his survival was the only thing that should matter.)

That's an old, old story. The more interesting thing is that grief buried itself somewhere in my body. It lurked, waiting its turn. Now, these young women have accidentally achieved what I never could despite thousands of dollars and untold hours of painful treatments, and the pain finds its way to the surface.

I love my children. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world--that is not and never has been in question. I lost something elemental and primal, something I wanted desperately. The issue is that I never really grieved that loss.

The crying doesn't bother me. I sob as long as it takes then wash my face and get back to work.


Go Mama said...

I love you Jerri. Plain and simple. How awfully wonderful that you are cleansing your past so you can be set free...

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Grief always finds it, no matter how long we may try to keep Her away.

Here's to Grief. I raise my glass to Grief!

luckyzmom said...

Tears are good for you. Gets rid of toxins. said...

This is a beautiful post Jerri. Glad you are allowing yourself your tears now that it is safe to do so, and I'm so sorry you were denied your feelings at the time.

Sending love.

kario said...

I love that you are seeing it for what it is and not trying to hide or quash the tears. I love that they are accepted, understood, and allowed to be.


Deb Shucka said...

What a gift these new children are to you, before they've even arrived. So glad you're getting to grieve after all this time. I'm inspired by your courage.

Amber said...

((my friend))

I read somewhere, and it sticks in my own mind, "Grief always finds us where we are." Meaning to me, that no matter how long ago, no matter how "over it", or healed we think we are or should be-- What needs to be felt will be felt, when it needs to be felt. Period.

It is a higher power that brings grief sometimes, and all it's cleansing powers.

Love, from here to the moon.