Tuesday, February 02, 2010

For Love of the Game

Last night I asked Evan to come help me with a small project--a bulb broke off inside a can light, creating a short that tripped half the breakers in the house. I needed his height and his brawn to fix the problem.

He arrived in a bad mood and got worse as we worked until I finally told him I'd figure it out later. Then I gave him a darling fleece blanket I made for the baby.

Evan looked at the blanket and shrugged. "I don't have room in my apartment for all this baby stuff," he said. Then he turned and walked out of the house, leaving the blanket behind.

I've been in a major funk since that moment, more than 24 hours ago. I can't understand why my adult son can't manage to help me with a (very) occasional small project, why he would be so rude about something I'd obviously worked hard to make, why he can't receive the gift of my love. Why. Why. Why.

As always, I finally came to the same conclusion I always come to: I'll never understand.

I can do things for Evan and for the baby, but only because I want to. That has to be enough--expecting anything else simply breaks my heart. Over and over.

And over.


Amber said...

Oh my... Well, now I want to kick him hard. *sigh*

It isn't about YOU at all. Just understand THAT. The only thing that IS about you, is the way God means for you to walk through it, and how strong it is meant to make your spirit.

Love abounds for you, over here.


Mercurious said...

There will be some good days and bad days, assuredly. This was a bad one. I hope the next one is better.

We should catch up soon.

luckyzmom said...

I think it's a mens thing. The cute baby things, no matter how long and lovingly you worked on them take a back seat to the heavy onus of becoming a father. Men are such ... well... other oriented.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

So hard not to have expectations.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

That must be so painful. I truly believe it is a reflection of how he feels about himself right now.
Wishing you comfort and peace!

Go Mama said...

You give, but you cannot force him to receive. This is clearly a case of him, not you.

Sounds like he is going through his own process as he tries on the role of parent-to-be. It no doubt feels daunting given his circumstances, and he may not have much capacity for anything right now. If it were me, I'd hold off on the blankets. Store them at your house for when the baby comes for a visit, and then swaddle her with your love. Best intentions aside, it might be too much too soon for him. Or too darling. Darling might be pushing his buttons right now. He might be more comfortable in his isolated angry box.

Even though we planned our daughter, I was freaking out when I found out I was pregnant. It brings up so much sh@#. Not to mention people--strangers even- who want to rush up to you and touch you and offer their commentary and advice.

Depending on where he is at in the process, he may just need space to deal and come to terms with his life.

Again, this is not on you. I can sense how painful this is for you.

Sending you love...and the strength to surrender and let him have this journey.

Much love to you, J.

fullsoulahead.com said...

Breathe, friend.


Tzeitel (Stacy) said...

I know this is a bit old of a post, but from the outside it is like the others have said; he's goin through some shit. It is not you and it will eventually pass (if it hasn't already).