Thursday, January 14, 2010

What Will Happen?

I am going to be a grandmother.

Evan and his girlfriend are expecting a little girl in late May. Yesterday I was in the room for an ultrasound. I got to see her heart beat and see the bottoms of her little feet.

Thrilled and terrified are at war in my heart. Evan struggles with his temper. He has not yet figured out how to support himself consistently. He and his girlfriend have an on again/off again relationship marred by insecurity and jealousy.

What kind of life can this child have? How can I help without being swamped by their problems? What will happen? What will happen? What will happen?

The relentless drumbeat in my head pounds out the same questions over and over. No answers appear.

Before Christmas I went to Target intending to buy a bassinet or swing or some other large piece. Fear swept me so hard I had to sit down on the floor in the middle of the aisle. When I finally caught my breath, I fled the store as though the hounds of hell were nipping at my heels.

Other than working, I do little beyond concentrate on not panicking. I haven't slept more than two or three hours at a time for weeks. I understand--completely understand--that I'm borrowing trouble. I know that staying in the moment is the only answer.

I am not equal to that task.

What will happen? What will happen? What will happen?

9 comments: said...

She is a brave little soul, that one who is on the way.


Cape Cod Kitty said...

I've been where you are. The anger I felt at the news was very uncharacteristic and I had to work very hard on turning things around. I was just furious at my daughter for bringing a child into a very unstable situation. Acceptance kicked in finally. As three years have passed, I have watched those two pull together a sort of life, and be EXCELLENT and loving parents. My granddaughter is beautiful and sweet and a great joy in my life. Good comes out of bad sometimes, this is one of them.
I wish for you to find peace, and I know how hard it must be for you right now.

Deb Shucka said...

You will do what you always do, which is be loving and kind and compassionate and a light for that child. Your friends will pray with and for you and be here whenever you need to talk. Love.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Deb is right, and so is Michelle.

No accidents.


Anonymous said...


Amber said...

That soul has picked this family.
She will have you.
She already has what she will need.
She is coming to teach.

All will be well.
All will be well.
All will be well.


mamatulip said...

Oh, Jerri. What will happen is meant to be, and I think it will be beautiful.

kario said...

Sorry I'm so late in coming to the game, here, but I wholeheartedly agree that this baby will be fine. She will have you in her life, of that I am sure.

My heart aches for you, Jerri. I am in a very similar situation with my sister who is due in June and I have to take off the "mommy" hat and put on the "sister" one and just be excited for her. If only to help her believe in herself at this point...


Go Mama said...

You are going to be an amazing grandmother, J, amazing. Solid, kind, compassionate rock o gibralter, you are. That's what's going to happen.

And the parents are going to find their way, wherever it leads them, and the baby's soul knew to come in now, in this situation, and so she has. Blessed Be.

A new soul comin to earth....

sending you love...