Holding What I Want

I spend a lot of time angry with myself about my weight. Not a day passes without a fair amount of time criticizing myself for my food choices and the shape I'm in. Truthfully, an hour rarely passes.

Barb and I watched Abraham: Secret Behind the Secret last night. On the way home, I recognized how much time I spend focusing on what I hate about my body and how I do not control my eating and all the times I fail to exercise. According to Abraham, these vibrations attract more of the same.

Um.....no thanks.

So last night before bed and the first thing this morning, I spent 30 minutes visualizing times in my life when I felt trim and strong and attractive. I stepped back into a pair of darling brown shoes worn with ankle socks and a flowing blue dress and walked down Fallbrook Road to Terie's house. I smelled the tree blooming in Cathie's yard and waved to Debbie and Bruce on their front step.

On a picnic bench in Door County, Wisconsin, I shaded my eyes against the sun to have my picture taken, aware that it was one of the rare times in my life I didn't mind the camera. I felt the rough lumber of the table and listened to the clinks of lines on masts in Egg Harbor.

Other runners greeted me as I crossed the finish line at my first 10K. I flopped on the curb to eat my orange and felt the orange zest beneath my fingernails.

My date thanked me for an experience he'd longed for all his life. "I've always wanted to walk into an important party with the most beautiful woman in the room. Tonight I did." Granted, he said this while saying goodnight at my door and probably hoped it would get him beyond the door, but whatever. We were at an awards ceremony at a gorgeous resort in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin--my gown was white and kind of Grecian. After the dance, we walked out on a dock on the lake and strangers stopped to tell us what a pretty picture we made in the moonlight. I felt like Cinderella at the ball.

Wearing a long brown velvet skirt and tennis shoes, I mowed the front lawn on Fallbrook Road. I had a little time between activities and didn't care what anyone thought. I felt those tennis shoes flop on my feet without socks.

Wearing nothing at all, I floated down the St. Croix River on a rainy 4th of July afternoon. The rain ruined the picnic but not the adventure. I got goosebumps from the cold water and the thrill.

Who knows what this will lead to, but it feels wonderful to start and end the day with strong, positive thoughts. It can only be a good thing to hold what I want.

And I want more of feeling like that.