Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Pants on Fire

I am a liar.

I lie to my daughter.

Every day.

She calls to tell me her birth father covered her car with balloons on her birthday, and I say, "That's really funny." and "How nice of him."

She calls to say she's meeting her birth father's family, and I say, "Wonderful, Honey. I'm excited for you."

She calls to say her birth mother's parents are going to be in town and want to have lunch but she has class, and I say, "See if they're staying overnight. Maybe you could have breakfast the next morning."

When she calls to say it worked out for breakfast, I say, "Great! I'm so glad."

These are the things I want to think. They are NOT the things I DO think.

When she tells me her birth father said he's going to pick up his kid from school, I think, "No, you're not, buddy. You're going to pick up MY kid from school."

Here's what saves me: at 54, I don't think as fast as I once did. It's like having my own little 7-second delay. By the time I organize my thoughts to speak, reason sets in.

Every day, I lie.

Every day, I pray for the grace to keep on lying until I believe what I'm saying.


mamatulip said...

You are a good mother.

Deb Shucka said...

I'm not sure if they're really lies. They're just one part of the truth. Because there is no way you can't be happy for your daughter's happiness - even at this great cost to you. I'm so sorry for your pain and sending you love and prayers for peace.

Michelle O'Neil said...

If we could all have a 7 second delay!

You are entitled to your feelings. Always remember.


Doubting Thomas said...

Truth is a many-faceted thing.

What you say to your daughter is certainly true——and an expression of one aspect of your soul.

Doesn't mean there aren't other true feelings present at the same time.

George said...

As Mark Twain said, “A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes”.

In this case, be glad you aren't barefoot.

cheryl said...

I've recently started using a miraculous thought-changer. It has worked incredibly, unbelievably, spectacularly well.

The mantra (from Wayne Dyer): "I change the way I look at things and the things I look at change."

So - "I change the way I look at this situation (job/relationship) and the situation (job/relationship) changes."

You don't even have to plot or plan how the situation will change, in fact it's better not to. Just say/think the phrase repeatedly for a day or two - and wow. Seriously. I've never had anything work so well.

Because it's not about changing the world to conform to our needs, it's about changing our perception of world.

kario said...

Well, sometimes when the wind is howling outside and the rain is falling, having a little heat in your pants is a comforting thing.

As for the things you're saying, they will come to be true in time. All your daughter knows is that you are unequivocally supportive of her and sending her love. That's all she needs to know.

As for you, you're doing what you know to be right. In time it will come to feel true and everybody wins.

In the meantime, just make sure your undies don't burst in to flames and enjoy the warmth.

Stacy said...

I can not imagine myself ever being as gracious as you, no matter how many lifetimes I may have. The birth daddy now too? This is hard - hugs from me

Nancy said...

Choosing not to share your feelings because they might hurt her is kind and loving and that is different from lying. My hat is off to you; your grace is astounding.

Jerri said...

Turns out Deb and Doubting Thomas are right--I am telling part of the truth because I am happy for her happiness. The rest is just my attachment to what I wish were true rather than what is.

About graciousness--this is the simple truth. I do not HAVE grace. I am GIVEN grace, over and over. Many, many times it arrives through the kindness of friends, both seen and unseen. For that, I am profoundly grateful.

Thank you.

Amber said...

Oh man. I love what everyone here has said. And I agree.
I also wonder, however, has your daughter asked you how this all makes YOU feel? I know she must be a loving person, as she IS YOUR daughter, and learned from the master. But maybe you are SO grace-filled that she forgets to wonder about that?

I ask because I have contact with my biological father, and I never tell my dad. I am not LYING...exactly. Just not telling. Because I KNOW no matter what he would say to me, it would hurt him. Now, understand that my dad is pretty much a giant jackass, and nothing as classy and grounded as you are. LOL!So maybe I am just a codependent sucker.

But I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. And the relationship with my biological dad has its place, but it is different. Jackass or not, he's my dad, and the bio is the bio.

Just wondering.