Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Striking Matches

My number one "thing to do before I go" is fall in love again. I've been waiting patiently, but no available man has knocked at my door, offering to join me in that adventure. It was well past time to take action. Sunday afternoon I signed up for on-line dating.

Last night I spoke to an interesting man. So far, I know he's smart and funny and loves his kids.

I also know he's a widower whose wife died about a year ago. She was his high school sweetheart, and they'd been married almost 40 years. He has not yet gone on an actual date with anyone.

Almost every story he told me about his children involved teaching them to be careful with money. He talked a lot about conserving throughout his life so he is absolutely secure for retirement.

I can't hear or see for the alarm bells ringing and the red flags flying in my head.

This man and his wife seem to have had a wonderful relationship. Being the first to date someone after a divorce almost never goes well. Dating after a death is likely to be even more intense. He's not ready -- he hasn't found his balance yet. He's lonely, and that's not good.

His focus on being careful with money may be his way of emphasizing what he considers a good quality. Or he might be a miser.

I am glad I insisted on calling him rather than giving him my number, glad I hid my number when I called. A big part of me has no intention of even responding to the email he sent this morning to tell me how much he enjoyed the conversation.

Isn't this how I've ended up single for 17 years? After a 60 minute conversation, I've written the entire story in my head and titled it Too Much Trouble.

How much of what I'm thinking here is common sense and how much is avoidance? I'd appreciate any thoughts you have.


Deb Shucka said...

Walt was my first serious relationship - while I was going through a divorce. It was rebound in neon, and a bad idea for so many reasons. This year we celebrate 24 years of marriage.

The point being following the rules isn't always the answer. Neither is self-protection in the form of a story title Too Much Trouble.

What could a coffee date hurt?

That said, my dear friend, you have amazing instincts, a magical and powerful heart, which you can trust. Sending prayers and love.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Deb- what could a coffee date hurt? Your reactionary response seems, to me, rooted in some underlying fear that you can not trust yourself to continue this exploration with a level head. While the repeated $ references might mean miser, they may also be his way of reassuring himself that you are not some gold digger... you each bring your own complete set of luggage.

Give it a shot, of espresso at least. Trust yourself to end or continue at any point along the continuum.

Carrie Link said...

Who knows where it could lead, or to whom he could lead you. He sounds harmless and it does put out into the universe that you are taking action and ready for "next."

Jerri said...

To -e-

Can't tell you how much I love "Give it a shot, of espresso at least." Smart and funny and totally on point.

Deb -- you and Carrier are right. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it couldn't hurt to at least agree to coffee.

I'm trying to be brave, but it's not going all that well so far. Thank you for the support.

luckyzmom said...

How is his situation different than yours? What are your qualifications? How are you going to know if you don't try? You might just have a nice time, make a new friend and even possibly find what you're looking for.

PS I'm writing this before I see any other comments.

Looks like we all agree.

Jerri said...

You're absolutely right, luckyzmom. Anyone who hears I've been single for 17 years has good reason to wonder why.

Odd, though, he didn't ask how long I've been single or anything even close to that.

I guess more will be revealed.

Amber said...

The first thing I thought (being me), is I bet he has strong Capricorn in his birth chart, is all. Maybe the money talk is his way of telling you he is not a loser. You know? What woman wants to hook up with a loser who can't take care of himself, or might take her for all her money? So he puts that out there out of fear that everything else about him might not look at good (in his own eyes), but at least he has that going for him.
But I bet he has more than that, and you can't let fear rule either. Have coffee, and use that beautiful heart of yours to help him let other parts of himself out for you... You might be surprised. And even if you are not, it is a step.


Crescent Dragonwagon said...

You know I met David on the Internet, right? Nuff said. Well, not really. I also went out with, let's see, 5 guys before him. (The first --- we knew it wasn't going to work but had a pleasant enough lunch --- said to me, 'Look I don't know you well at all, but I know you well enough to guess you're probably going to write about this one of these days. Do me a favor --- remember me as the appetizer!" As you can see, I do!) xxxooo

Gabrielle said...

Hello, I stumbled across your blog randomly and thought I'd let you know I find your hesitation completely normal. A high school sweetheart is a difficult act to follow and a year is not that long. Good luck!

maids in salt lake said...

Lovely story. You learned a lot from it for sure.