Moved a vintage flour bin in the basement last night. Staring up at me was the biggest, fattest, foulest spider I have ever seen in person. No kidding, I've seen smaller tarantulas on Jay Leno.
Now, I'm not particularly afraid of spiders. For the most part, I'm bigger and stronger and faster, so they don't terrify me the way snakes do, for example. But standing in a basement corner at midnight, staring down at eight furry legs surrounding a body bigger than a racquetball, I wished for someone bigger and stronger and faster than me with a heat that contributed to global climate changes. Seriously. At this moment, there's a polar bear cub adrift, staring forlornly across open water to the main floe where his mother mourns. All because of me.
But there was no one, so I took care of it myself. I wish I could report that I captured it and released it outside. I can't. I flushed the poor thing so he wouldn't come back. Not in this life, in this place, anyway.
This morning I put a bagel in to toast and then got absorbed in a project. Minutes later, the piercing shriek of the smoke alarm split the room and my head and my poor doggie's psyche. The alarm detected the smoke long before my nose did, so for the first 20 seconds I couldn't figure out what was going on. Smoke streaming from toaster solved the mystery. As I unplugged it, small flames erupted from both slots.
By the time I got the toaster to the deck, the flames had subsided, but the alarm was still shrieking. I climbed a bookcase to reach it, not really sure what to do. Pushing the flashing lights silenced the thing, thank God.
Yeah. So I can dispatch giant spiders and carry flaming toasters outside. I can even climb a bookcase to shut up a smoke alarm.
The thing is, I don't want to. Not alone, anyway. Not for the rest of my life.
What the hell am I going to do about it? That's the question.
9 comments:
Okay, totally off the point, but what were you doing moving flour bins in your basement at midnight? And did you Google the spider to find out what kind it was?
On the point, I'm sorry you are alone and don't want to be. I'm sending prayers and love and light to you - that you hear the still voice that provides the answers and the wisdom, and that you feel peace so you can receive the answers in joy.
I love you.
P.S. Maybe an energizing gathering with friends in Portland this summer will help clear your cobwebs (or spider webs).
You're going to hate me for it....ever heard of eharmony? I think the on-line thing can be just as deep and meaningful as blogging. That's the path I chose. I was clear and determined and took the plunge.
Owwhh, I am praying up a hot looking, warm feeling companion for you now, hugs-
I like Prema's idea! What do you have to lose?
I love that feeling of being able to take care of things on my own. It's when it turns to HAVING to do them on my own that it becomes a pain in the butt.
Here's hoping there's someone out there who will be dazzled by your abilities and overwhelmed by the love in your heart and the light in your soul. I'm sending wishes to the universe that they find you. Soon.
Love.
I'm hearing you J. Hearing you. And the loneliness....I know it so well... But at the same time, I can't help but think how luxurious it would be to live in a lovely house, staring at the pond with plenty of silent time to hear my own thoughts and write with no interruptions. Call me crazy, but I could really use that alone time these days.
Wanna swap? Take my oversized determined to be right husband, interruption-a-minute child, and tackle this failing public schl system facing seriously shrinking budgets? For what it lacks in sq footage, my little shack comes with a sm backyd pond and plenty of cocktails...and we'd both be getting the no sex we've been having....
Deal?
You in?
:)
No? Ok, instead I'll send you happy, happy zen thoughts that you magnetize your perfect partner and draw him into your lair....
Just note, he may not be one of those gun-toting, geese-shooting dudes on the premises....you might have to travel for him.
Hmm, I like the previous comments.
1. Online dating can be OK sometimes, and certainly interesting.
2. Come to Portland and visit us. The guest room is ready.
3. Yes, the grass is always greener.
4. Do a ten day Vipassana retreat and meditate on what you want. Worked for me (sort of).
I think number 2 is most important.
I like being able to mow my lawn, unclog my gutters and set up my new house alone. But yeah, company would be fine. Want to come over?
Big love to you.
God damned smoke detectors.
God damned spiders.
Stupid freaking toaster.
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