Sunday, August 01, 2010

No Grant

The grant I applied for was awarded to another writer, one whose work knocked me on my butt. Brilliant. Funny. Imaginative and wise. Today, not even a sliver of any of those things feels available to me. While I honestly celebrate for her and with her, I am bereft. Not about not getting the grant--I always recognized the realistic odds of that. It's the comparison between the best I can offer and the piece she wrote that pains me.

Today, the gulf between where I am and where I want to be feels so broad, I am mired in fear and doubt. But these things I know: comparisons are not helpful in any way. The sun will rise tomorrow and if I'm still spinning on and with the earth, I'll still have opportunities to learn and grown and try. I'll keep breathing in and out, and my breath will mingle with all that lives and breathes.

I can focus on the pain of not being what I want to be or having what I want to have, or I can focus on those opportunities to learn. The Universe did not grant me that grant, but it always offers serenity. Accepting it is up to me.

What I need is a good wisdom teacher.

6 comments:

Deb Shucka said...

I'm so sorry Jerri. I know exactly what you're feeling. Acceptance is the key. Not liking. But acceptance. Without analysis or judgement.

Then listen to those of us who know your writing as brilliant, funny, imaginative and wise when we tell you your turn is coming. Your writing needs to be read. Truly. Love.

fullsoulahead.com said...

Jerri,

I'm so sorry you didn't get the grant. Your work IS brilliant and funny and imaginative and wise.

And I'm not just saying it. I've been moved to tears so many times by the brillance that is you.

You ARE a wisdom teacher.

Sending you so much love! And more love!

xo

Mercurious said...

Ditto the above.

I'm pretty sure the decision was much closer than you imagine.

kario said...

So sorry you didn't get the grant. Please don't doubt yourself, though, my friend. You have so many amazing gifts to give. The universe will find an outlet for them.

Love.

luckyzmom said...

Grasshopper,the abundance of the Universe is available to everyone. Claim it.

Carrie Link said...

If Riley gets too backed up, Rojo is free.