Learning From the Past

My darling granddaughter should be here later this evening. Evan and Kristin will be staying with me until Kristin can navigate the stairs to their apartment--probably two weeks.

I am thrilled. And I am scared. Most of you probably remember how difficult Evan finds it to be around me for long stretches of time. He didn't speak to me for several months after he moved out a couple years ago. I'm hoping things go better this time.

I am a slow learner. Bill was here for a few hours the day after the baby was born. I made a special effort to take pictures of him with the baby and to give him lots of time to hold her and rock her. He was his most charming self, joking and laughing. I thought we might finally be learning to make all this work.

The next day, Bill called. Without preamble and in his fiercest, most demeaning tone, he demanded: "Where are my photos, Jerri? I checked both my emails and I have nothing. Why didn't you send them like I told you to?"

His voice transported me from the fairy tale I'd constructed--the one where we're cooperative grandparents and get along well enough to do major celebrations and holidays together--and dropped me smack into reality. And the reality is, he does not want to co-parent or co-grandparent with me. He is no kinder and no gentler than he ever was.

Forgiving is good. Forgetting is not.

That's as true of the situation with Evan as with Bill. Meeting him halfway is the goal, not turning myself inside out.

Wish me luck.

So Much to Say

I am a grandmother.

Strange to say, but this is one of the things I wanted most while struggling with infertility all those years ago. I wanted to be part of the great Circle of Life. I wanted children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren--the whole messy, imperfect, loud, beautiful, loving, crazy lot of it.

My son's arrival was the beginning of a miracle. The moment I took Teagan in my arms, I felt a "click" within me and throughout the Universe, another piece of my miracle snapping into place.

Our lives are not without challenges. I didn't ask for perfection. I only asked for the chance to tangle myself with the lives and loves of a tribe I could call my own.

Yesterday, I unfolded Teagan's blankets to change her diaper for the first time. She caught one of my fingers and wrapped her little fist around it. Blinking away tears, I realized this little soul had joined the band of folks for whom I would unquestioningly give my life.

And so it goes.

Meet My Granddaughter

OH, BABY!

Teagan Michelle

8 lbs. 2 oz.
19 inches long

Haven't seen her yet, but we've seen pictures, and she's beautiful. BEAUTIFUL!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

T Day

At the hospital, waiting for the surgery to begin. Evan is pacing like the proverbial caged tiger. Kristin remains unflappable. They packed every newborn outfit they have for Teagan, which is dozens.

I have a book and magazines and my computer and phone. All I can do is pray.

48 Hours

I'm wound so tight these days, if you bounced a quarter off my brain, it would rebound higher than Bango, the Milwaukee Bucks mascot.

My heart beat sings, "Please. Please. Please."

Less than 48 hours until my granddaughter arrives.

Over the weekend, I went to Springfield to watch my 48-year-old cousin graduate from college--summa cum laude--after eight years of night school. Laura is living proof it's never too late to be what you might have been.

Miracles happen. One is scheduled for 7:00 am Wednesday morning.

No News Is Good News

Kristin is scheduled for a C-section on May 19 at 7:00 am. She's holding her own and the doctors say the baby is fine. She will go to the doctor again Thursday, and I'll post any news that comes from the appointment.

Kristin is amazingly brave and incredibly calm. Evan is not quite so calm. He's counting the minutes.

Holding Her Own

Teagan refused to turn--she's still breech. Kristin had a lot of contractions following the procedure, but after two shots of terbutaline, it looks like things are under control.

The doctors plan to do a Cesarean, probably on May 19.

Stay tuned.

Thank you for your prayers.

An Even Shot

The odds are about 50/50 that my granddaughter will be born today.

Teagan is breech right now, and Kristin will undergo a procedure meant to turn her later this morning. We've been told that about half the time, the procedure ruptures the waters and the baby is born with 24 hours.

Please take a moment to hold my girl in the Light. Her mother, too. Although I'm anxious to meet her, I'm not exactly hoping for her to be born today.

The word "safe" thrums through me like a heartbeat. Safe. That's all I ask. Just keep them safe. Whenever. Whatever. Just please, keep them safe.