Friday, April 09, 2010

Part of Me

I dreamed of an infant in the back seat of my car. I would see her and think "Oh---I must take take care of that baby!" Upon arrival at my destination, I'd get swept up in the usual whirlwind of activity and forget. When next I heard her cry, I'd be overcome with remorse and promise myself to do better, then promptly forget about her when I reached my destination and got sucked into what the people there needed/expected from me.

The baby's name was Lorraine (the name of a cousin who died of SIDSs when I was 10). After days of this, I got into the car and realized Lorraine was near death--dehydrated, emaciated, nearly catatonic. My greatest concern then was how to get medical help without letting anyone know I'd forgotten her for so long. I wasn't afraid of being prosecuted--I was concerned about what people would think of me.

Lately, I've been working too much and at the wrong things. I edit furiously, 12 to 14 hours a day, and do the best possible job I can. I want to earn a full-time, permanent job with this client. From time to time, I think of my stories, the ones inside, longing to get out. Sense memories, the feeling of the act of writing arises and drifts away like a runner's breath on a cold morning.

And can we talk about my obsession with what others thing?

Know what I've been doing in my "free" time? Power washing and sealing my decks. I'm hosting a shower for Evan and Kristen a week from Saturday, and I've been obsessing over every inch of the house, including the decks and arbor. Three days in a row I edited from 7:00 am to noon, worked on the deck from noon to 7:00 or 8:00 pm, then edited until 2:00 am or later.

All this so no one looks at my decks and thinks I could use some help now and then.

What part of me is the baby in the back seat, slowing starving to death?


Anonymous said...

I think your last sentence says it all. Take care of yourself.

Deb Shucka said...

Such powerful insights here. I hope you'll rescue, love and nurture that baby because without her, none of the rest of it matters. Love.

Amber said...

Oh lady...I think you have it. Yep.

I feel so much like that baby sometimes, and then I have also had those same stress dreams about 'forgetting' to take care of a baby... They suck!!!!

But I wish you would feed yourself. And not feel bad about it. And know how wonderful and perfect you are just as you are. And know how lucky everyone is, who has you in there lives in any way at all. And I wish you would take deep breathes and relax.



luckyzmom said... and me both.

kario said...

Recognition is the first step.

Love you. said...

If you knew what people think of you, you would bask in the glow of all the love flooding in your direction.

Feed the baby Jerri.

Carrie Wilson Link said...



Well, as Dr. Phil says, "You wouldn't care what others think of you, if you knew how little they did." Don't love Dr. Phil. Do love that quote.


Tzeitel (Stacy) said...

the same part that was me making out passionately with a woman who was me in my dream last night. Said to self, this is so easy, why didn't I think of this before? Got to love ourselves, just have to!

Go Mama said...

Sending you love J. Remember, you can't save anyone if you don't put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Yourself first.

Take care.

Of You.

Love YOU.

You are enough without having to do/prove/be anything more than you already are.

Go Mama said...

PS. Where's Emily???