Saturday, April 21, 2007

Stuff Running Through My Mind

Yesterday was a very hard day. The crux of the problem wasn't D's behaviour at the firing, or even my own. It was (is) the decades-old struggle to earn my sister's love and the recognition of my failure at this task that has been so central my life. Family legend has it that on the way home from the hospital, D asked our parents to throw me in the ditch. Their refusal set a precedent she still fails to appreciate.

After stewing for a while, I called a friend to talk over the situation. She was riding in the car with her husband; after listening, she relayed some pieces of my tale. Their advice was solid: get out of this situation. Fast. With her typical humor and a Southern drawl you could use to row through stormy seas, she yelled into the phone, "Girl, she ain't NEVER gonna be the sister you want her to be. Stop trying to get her to love you. It ain't NEVER gonna happen. You gotta get love from places it's a-VAIL-a-ble--from your kids, from your friends, from your own damn self!"

Prema called. In her gentle, charmed voice she invited me to look within, to find my strength, to take care of my self. She suggested images I could hold during rough patches. It helped enormously.

Deb called. She suggested that these difficulties are tenderizing me for a big step forward. She helped me see how my stake in seeing myself a certain way keeps me stuck.

Bit by bit, the sting is leaving these circumstances.

Who knows what might happen next?


~Nancy~ said...

As hard and painful as it can be, maybe you just need to stand up to her. I did that with my big sis and it sure helped things a lot.
She still tries to boss me and judge a little...but I remind her that we are grown now...we are equal..and she just has to accept that.
I felt the prickly hairs on the back of my neck when I read the first post and if I were there, I would "have a talk" with your sis. :-)
I agree with your pals...look inside for your validation. I firmly believe that quote, "When a person shows (or tells) you who they are, believe them."
Hang in there. WE are here for you.

Deb said...

Whatever it is that happens next, you'll be held in the circle of our love and confidence in your beauty and light.

You sister is still trying to get you in that ditch. You are not the kind of girl to settle for a ditch life. You are a powerful woman with many powerful women who love you.

Cynthia said...

You got some good advice there, and you know it. I'm also constantly chasing the unavailable love and respect of my sister. (Our family legend is that she went bald with jealousy when I was born.) Too many people appreciate you for you to constantly seek something she can't give.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

You've got lovely, wise and devoted friends. Consider them your sisters, and D. an acquainance.

Suzy said...

Ditch huh? She knew even then she couldn't hold a candle to you.

Go Mama said...

Glad to hear that the sting is leaving the situation. I sense you are in preparation for big changes up ahead...old roles no longer fit, old jobs no longer satisfy, and you are tilling and preparing to cultivate your own garden. Stay centered in the love you already are. Trust you will know what to do...

Stacy said...

Funny how those bossy sisters shape us. How we compare ourselves, vying for attention. First the parents, then the boys, what a nightmare when she was 28 waist and DD bra and I was 28-28-28.
Thirty years later, who would you rather see in a bathing suit?

We change, we create change because we have to!

kario said...

I, too, have been struggling with those relationships that always left me wanting more. I hope you find some peace inside and break the dynamic that has existed between you and D. for years. We love and cherish you for who you are - there's nothing you have to "live up to". You are a strong, capable, caring woman and an integral part of this circle.

grammer said...

Ditch? Oy.
I'm glad to hear you're pulling through, with a little help from your friends :) Such good advice they all have!