Friday, April 20, 2007

Buddha Nature or Chickenshit?

Most of you know my sister and I own a salon/spa. Yesterday we had to take two employees off payroll (my favorite euphemism for "fire"). Neither of us wanted things to go this direction, but our hands were finally forced and there truly were no other choices. We had to think of the well-being of other employees and the salon as a whole.

As usual, D elected me spokesperson for the actual events. In one case, I invented the conversation on the fly and in the other, I stuck pretty much verbatim to the script D had outlined for me. The first situation went quite well. The second less well but not terrible.

In the second conversation, I got through my speech, we concluded our discussion, and then D started crying. She hugged the woman at length and told her how much she'd miss her. She told her she could come back later if she wanted. She helped her carry her things to the car, still crying. After their big crying scene, the woman nodded curtly at me and said good-bye.

And then the (now) former employee went out to dinner with two current employees, a plan of which D was aware before the whole thing started.

And just how do you imagine the dinner conversation went? Once again, I'm the bitch from Hell and D's the good guy.

D invited me to stop by her house on the way home for a glass of wine. Whe I walked in, she said she hoped I didn't feel she hadn't supported me. I said I hated being in the position of being the bitch again but agreed with her feeling there's no reason to make a bad situation worse.

Damn it all to HELL. Why did I lie to her like that?

In the car on the way, I had decided to rely on my Buddha nature to get me through. Didn't think there was anything to be gained in discussing how she insisted I take point and then made sure I'd pay the price for it.

After a mostly sleepless night filled with dreams that leave no doubt my subconscious is not pleased with this choice, I am at a loss. Was I using my Buddha nature or taking the easy way out? Am I willing to be the bigger person or just throwing myself at her feet so she can not only walk over me but wipe her feet on my back as she passes?

When I started writing this little rant, I thought this was an acutal question. Now I realize there is no question. And no doubt about what I have to do this morning.

Please hold me in the LIght today. I'm really going to need it. My Buddha nature and I are a little battered around the edges right now.


Michelle O'Neil said...

My dream for you, is that you get to a point where you do not give a rats ass about what anyone thinks of you.

As long as YOU are good with you, screw the rest.

If that means telling the sister to do her own dirty work,and not caring if she's mad, so be it. If that means not caring what the fired employees think, fine.

You know what? I want that dream for me too.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

I'm pretty sure D. needs to be taken off the payroll! And WHY did you accept her offer to come over for wine? She can't walk all over you if you don't lie down at her feet...

Jess said...

I totally sympathize, I'd probably have done the same thing. BUT that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on standing up for yourself and making D share some responsibility.

Tell her how you feel about all this. You'll feel so much better, and sleep better, too.

Mystic Wing said...

A second thought...

I think that our Buddha nature is such that it has room and compassion in it for our "Ghenghis" nature, too.

As you brother, I advice you to cut yourself some slack, and accept the part of you that gets mad as hell sometimes.

Kim said...

Aren't Tibetan warriors also Buddhists?

Good for you for deciding you have to be honest about this. That glass of wine was to assuage D's own guilt, I'll wager. It's YOU she should be crying over, in my opinion--it's you who deserves an apology, or at least an acknowledgment of the unfair situation into which you were put.

Good luck--we'll be sending you good vibes.

And I want Michelle's dream for me too!

riversgrace said...

Funny, my earlier comment didn't take. That's ok, I reached you by phone and that was wonderful. Hope your day includes fresh flowers, a bath, good tea, better wine, a great dinner, and candle light tonight.

Big hugs.

Stacy said...

Big sister bully nature. Chances are this is a really old pattern you've adopted in order to keep the peace in the home. I don't see anything wrong with shouting all your anger out to her imagined presence, and then have that glass of wine acting unaffected by her actions.
Why do think she always has to be the good guy? Who do you think is stronger in her convictions?

Terry Whitaker said...

Confrontation is so difficult for everyone--and now you had to do it twice! I bet both of them felt better afterward.

Deb said...

Trust the anger signal, my friend. It tells you something is amiss - it's a gift to be treasured. I am with you always, praying that you find the perfect way to take care of yourself in this situation.

You are not wrong. You are loved.

Cynthia said...

I have that fight between my natures myself. There are times when I don't know if being the better person is merely a way of letting myself get walked on again. It's a hard line to find sometimes, and I do hold you in my prayers.

Deb said...

I just reread this post, and find myself wondering what one of your girls from NTKoG would do with this situation. They have powerful lessons to teach.

Looking forward to reading the rest of the story.

You are everything you need to be, and you are contained in the circle.


holly said...

Hate that situation. Definately time for you to let D do her own talking and not let herself off the hook by making you the villian. It's inexcuseable.

Hope the conversation with her went as well as is good.

I also share Michelle's and Prema's wishes for you.

kario said...

Hope it's not too late to add my love and light to the circle. I don't envy you this position - been there, hated that. I know your truth will win out in the end and you'll find the right solution for you. Your nature won't let you sit until you feel okay.

Love, love, love.

Suzy said...

Too bad D isn't the grownup you are.

Go Mama said...

I know I'm coming to the party late on this one, but I'm with Michelle...and while we're at it, "you being good with you" also means listening to your own instincts and standing up for yourself.

Sending you courage, strength and love...