How's it going with Evan (my 25-year-old son), you ask?
"Mom, what time does Aunt Debbie get up?"
"She's usually at Grandma's house by 8:30 or 9:00"
"What? 9:00? I can't wait until 9:00. I have to get on the road. Why doesn't she get up until 9:00? That's terrible!" [at full volume]
"Mom, can you cash my paycheck for me?"
"How big a check, Evan?"
"I need $800."
"I don't have $800 on me, Evan. Why don't you go to the bank?"
"What? You can't cash the check? What do you mean? Why would I go to the bank? They'll just hose me over again. I don't have $800 in my account, they aren't going to cash a check for me." [at full volume]
"Evan, you don't need to have $800 in your account, the person who wrote the check needs to have the $800."
"You just don't know anything, Mom. My bank isn't going to cash that check for me. [at full volume while slamming and banging around]
Mom, will I be able to drive that car home today?"
"I don't know. Maybe. But you have to have patience when you're negotiating, Evan."
"What? You say I can buy a new car and now you're telling me I won't get it. I can't have the car, can I? Why did you ever tell me I was going to be able to buy a new car? I'm never going to get it, am I?
That's my life. Someone waves something good in front of me, and as soon as I try to reach out for it, they snatch it away." [at varying degrees of volume, ranging from yelling to muttering.]
"Evan, I'm not saying you won't get the car. I'm telling you that the key to negotiation is being willing to walk away."
"Right. I'm just going to walk away. That's the only Jeep with a sunroof in this hick town. In Minneapolis there are hundreds. . .thousands of Jeeps with sunroofs. But here in Hicksville, there's one. And now you're telling me I can't get the only car I want in this whole town."
All this before the coffee's done this morning. No wonder my poor little doggie's taken to living in my closet, under a pile of dirty clothes. I'd join her, but there's no room. I haven't done laundry in two weeks. Evan's got both machines running almost constantly.
"Mom, what time does Aunt Debbie get up?"
"She's usually at Grandma's house by 8:30 or 9:00"
"What? 9:00? I can't wait until 9:00. I have to get on the road. Why doesn't she get up until 9:00? That's terrible!" [at full volume]
"Mom, can you cash my paycheck for me?"
"How big a check, Evan?"
"I need $800."
"I don't have $800 on me, Evan. Why don't you go to the bank?"
"What? You can't cash the check? What do you mean? Why would I go to the bank? They'll just hose me over again. I don't have $800 in my account, they aren't going to cash a check for me." [at full volume]
"Evan, you don't need to have $800 in your account, the person who wrote the check needs to have the $800."
"You just don't know anything, Mom. My bank isn't going to cash that check for me. [at full volume while slamming and banging around]
Mom, will I be able to drive that car home today?"
"I don't know. Maybe. But you have to have patience when you're negotiating, Evan."
"What? You say I can buy a new car and now you're telling me I won't get it. I can't have the car, can I? Why did you ever tell me I was going to be able to buy a new car? I'm never going to get it, am I?
That's my life. Someone waves something good in front of me, and as soon as I try to reach out for it, they snatch it away." [at varying degrees of volume, ranging from yelling to muttering.]
"Evan, I'm not saying you won't get the car. I'm telling you that the key to negotiation is being willing to walk away."
"Right. I'm just going to walk away. That's the only Jeep with a sunroof in this hick town. In Minneapolis there are hundreds. . .thousands of Jeeps with sunroofs. But here in Hicksville, there's one. And now you're telling me I can't get the only car I want in this whole town."
All this before the coffee's done this morning. No wonder my poor little doggie's taken to living in my closet, under a pile of dirty clothes. I'd join her, but there's no room. I haven't done laundry in two weeks. Evan's got both machines running almost constantly.
9 comments:
To quote my friend jerri, "and yet, not a mark on 'em."
ARGH! Thank you for this, I've been really wondering how it's going, now I KNOW! Sounds like my FUTURE! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I say this, get signs to answer his FAQ and just hold them up, while wearing Bose noise-reduction headphones. What do you say?
Well, I do think it will pass. In five or so years maybe... In the meantime, I can't wait to come join the fun.
xoxo
His brain is supposed to finish its development sometime this year. Maybe then things will calm down.
What's that boy washing?
Well, at least he's doing his own laundry? OK, that's not much of an offering, is it?
So sorry his inner anger is directed at you. I'm sending light and love and hope that he can find someone who will help him to see what it's doing to him and those around him.
Ask Evan to throw in a load of two for you while he's at it, and tell him you'd like them folded and put away too.
Perhaps some house rules? Item #1 might be "no loud whining" before coffee.
Independence comes from learning to be self-sufficient. Perhaps being less available to solve all these little crisies will help him grow more resourceful.
good luck. keep breathing....
love.
I think Evan and my oldest are cut from the same cloth. Sometimes we get along better from a distance.(actually, it's all the time)
He might be right about the check, banks treat young people and those known not to have much money, very poorly. Boundaries are helpful; clearly stating "Evan please do not raise your voice - especially during coffee, why are you being so mean to me? Do you know how much it hurts my feelings to have you talk to me this way? and this one works, "Hey! Be nice or don't talk to me!"
He is a very lucky person, to have you in his life, loving him like you do. For what it's worth, I do think he has a lot more growing up to do and you will reap the benefits. I cringe when I picture my behavior around my parents at that age!
I found your blog through the Next Blog function and have been reading it for weeks. I was going to wait until I got to the present to finally commented, but Evan's melodramatics over the bank made me laugh.
I work at a bank. He was actually right, they won't cash if you don't have it IF the check is from a different bank. It's recourse - can we get the money back if it comes back. But if it's from that bank, they can just look into the account.
Given this was more than three years ago, you've probably forgotten about the exchange, however...
Entirely unrelated, but I've been wanting to say it since I found your blog. You are an amazing writer. Your faith inspires me and I don't even have a religion. Reading these snippets of your life makes me want to examine myself and to re-dedicate myself to a passion I've had a lot of trouble finding lately: writing. Thank you so much for sharing your life in this way and I can't wait to keep catching up.
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