Sunday, October 25, 2009


Last week Liz's aunt invited me to go wig shopping with her. A brunette, S. wanted a long blonde wig for her Halloween costume. After we found the perfect synthetic hair to complete the illusion, we went to dinner.

S has been a puzzle to me since I met her at the Wednesday bike rides this summer. She's very attractive: size 4, beautiful, great smile. Smart. Funny. Charming. And yet, she's single.

At dinner, I figured out why: More than a decade after an ugly divorce, her defenses are three miles wide and twice as thick. As she told me the details, I heard more than her story. I heard my own.

S has a hair trigger on the reject button. She drops men who raise even one red flag.

I bypass the messy parts and reject myself before a guy gets that chance. It's been three years since I've even gone on a date. I tell myself I'll try again when I lose some weight. This internal conversation usually occurs over margaritas and nachos. This summer, I rode at least 10 miles a day, 6 days a week. I must have seriously stepped up my eating, because I lost 10 lousy pounds.

The morning after S and I had dinner, I downloaded a free 7-day pass to 24-hour Fitness. Friday I did a water aerobics class; Saturday it was lifting weights to music; today I'm trying something called Zumba. We'll see if I make myself join. I hate exercise classes. I feel like an elephant in a herd of gazelle. When an instructor tries to help me, the glare of attention feels like a spotlight of shame.

But something has to change. I need to get healthy, inside and out. When I drop my defenses, my weight will drop, too. Meantime, I'm trying to tough out those classes.


Deb Shucka said...

I'm not sure you can exercise away defenses, or tough them out. Biking has brought you joy and friends and a lightness that has made the reflection on "three miles wide and twice as thick" possible. Compassion for your wounded self is the path, my dear friend. And love. Lots and lots of love.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Less exercise, more love.

luckyzmom said...

I have no words.

cheryl said...

I've been using this guy's techniques on lots of things. It works. It's free.

cheryl said...

I don't think that video I listed shows the process. This one does.

I wanted to get help with feeling stuck - in my writing and life. I started doing this tapping and great stuff is happening. Suddenly it's easier to make decisions, get new ideas for writing, clear clutter from the house.

I've had to dig through some painful memories, but clearing out the emotional charge to those memories is very freeing.

kario said...

I truly understand the link between weight and how one feels about themselves. I'm there right now. But I'm with Deb that exercise can only go so far to address that. The more love and acceptance you have for yourself at any weight/size/health status, the better you'll feel.

Love you.

Amber said...

Oh J, jezzuz. You are just SO BEAUTIFUL, I can hardly understand how you could not know that. To me, you shine. You sparkle. My gosh, the men who only WISH they had your love!! If you only knew.

I know.