Wednesday, November 01, 2006

They're Baaaaack

Words woke me up this morning.

As many of you have noticed and commented upon, I haven’t been writing lately. Since I started my blog, words—descriptions of what I saw, heard, felt, tasted—had been running through my head, begging to be written down. It felt like a dam burst inside me, and words flooded my psyche. During the day I heard them or felt their demanding presence. At night, I heard them, felt them, even saw them dressed in neon green, running across a cathode-ray screen. Then, after the writing workshop: nothing. Absolutely nothing. No words at all.

It has been, to say the least, a puzzlement.

At precisely 2:38 CST on November 1, 2006, words woke me up, demanding to be transcribed. The particular thing that woke me was a description of cabinet hinges in an imaginary room: cheap brass hinges shaped to imitate quality, darkened with paint to whisper of the kind of class that nothing and no one in this house actually possessed.

The fact that these words make no sense whatsoever does not matter. That I have no current need for a description of hinges—brass or otherwise—does not matter. The only thing that matters is that the words are back.

Perhaps until today they couldn’t reach me through the fear that enveloped me after the workshop. Although it was a marvelous, inspirational, altogether terrific experience, I have been afraid of writing since. Afraid that I’m not capable of writing in the way Jennifer teaches. Afraid that my writing will become a poor imitation of Jennifer’s voice rather than an honest representation of my own. Afraid my work will never measure up to the courage or the quality that surrounded me in that magical, sunlit room.

Today is the first day of November, the opening of NaNoWriMo. As the time has drawn closer and the enormity of the task I’ve set for myself has become more obvious, trying to write a novel has terrified me. Flat out scared the words away, I think. But their power, their presence in my life and my soul is so strong. Stronger than my fear, as it turns out.

Later today, I will start writing Layers of the Onion. It is now 2:59 CST and, since I dragged my laptop into my room and typed out my feelings and my fears, I’m pretty sure the words will let me sleep til morning.

I do so want to be “a little pencil in the hand of a writing God.” I want to write this story as “a love letter to the world.”

It’s an important one. It illustrates the power of women’s support for one another. It reminds us not to judge one another or ourselves. It empowers us to rise above our limitations—real or imagined. I humbly ask That Which Is to help me tell it well and for the good of all.

Back to bed with me. But first, I’m going to spend a few minutes thanking God for sending back the words. It feels so good to have them home again.

PS—My deepest thanks to all who have written or commented, expressing concern and interest in me and my work. You are part of the magnet that drew the words back to my head and heart, and your support gives me the courage to keep trying. Namaste, All.

10 comments:

Suzy said...

Welcome back!
Your words, story and voice are unique to you. You are more than capable. You are gifted, strong and loving.. Just let the words out.
Your truth speaks for itself.
Bless you.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to see you back. I worried that you were having a rough go of it. It saddend me to hear you questioning your creativity again especially since you helped me to see the creativity in myself:)

Amber said...

I send you creative vibes! You can do it. Just be open. Just be open, and let it come.

:)

Anonymous said...

Atta girl!

A bit of time out can be very, very useful I think. It lets us listen for the words that are whispered by the universe, which often are the most interesting words of all.

I"m delighted you're back. And don't be shy about your hopes for the project. Every accomplishment is born out of someone's clear vision of what is possible.

riversgrace said...

I've been checking your blog several times a day...waiting. It's not about the content (though your content is wonderful), it's about the spirit that sources the content. Being and sharing. So glad to see you here.

Go Mama said...

Jerri,
While I've been lurking here for a while, I have yet to post. (I come via Suzy and an earlier Jennifer workshop.) Until today. Today I feel I must.

I can relate to the fear you describe and even creating the dam. Sometimes we have to go internal for a while for a quiet retreat until we sort things out. I will say this, your hinge description is not nothing...if you look deeper it is trying to tell a story...

"cheap ...shaped to imitate quality ...to whisper of the kind of class that ...no one in this house actually possessed."

Who is this about? Your childhood, your parents, your ex, your son? It is a fantastic description. Own it!

Perhaps using hardware and building materials, something you know best, will be your gateway into metaphor and revealing your deeper personal observations and truth.

You DO have a voice and many stories to tell. Trust it to come out and be its unique self.

You are not alone in the fear. We got your back...

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Oh, man! Everyone said it already. Just SUPER glad you're back, Jerri, missed you like crazy! You are not an imitation of ANYONE, you are a unique and mighty voice that MUST be heard. Let's hear you roar, girl! GO!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, so happy to hear that your words returned to you! Perhaps you needed a breath to sort things out and gain some subconscious perspective. Whatever it was, hurrah for you!!!! Write up a storm!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to hear your words are back. Can't wait to read your book!

~Nancy~ said...

Welcome back home, Friend.

You were missed....