Rolling On

Okay, people. If you're in the middle of yet another round of the perpetual struggle with your weight and self image, what do you do?

I don't know what your answer is, but here's the answer handed to me by the Universe: Go on national television.

That's right. I've been invited to appear on a nationally-syndicated NBC show hosted by the Today show's home improvement editor, Lou Manfredini to promote my book about fireplaces. The final confirmations arrived via e-mail late Friday afternoon.

I'll be going to NY for the taping a week from Monday. Not enough time to lose any significant amount of weight first.

I am scared sick. Totally at a loss about what to wear. Worried about seeing the true total number of my chins if I ever accidentally see a tape.

How truly sick is it that in the face of such good news, the only thing I can think about is how I look? Well that, and how frightened I am to travel in NY by myself.

During a particularly tough period in my son's adolescence, a psychiatrist told me he was "neurotic but not psychotic." It's a measure of how bad that time was that I considered the doctor's pronouncement truly good news. I am not sure I myself would get the same reassurance from said doctor today.

I should be dancing in the moonlight, making offerings of thanks and praise, and figuring out what to say or do that might be at least mildly interesting to the viewing public. Not me, boy. I'm obsessing about foundation garments and peering intently into the mirror to figure out which bra produces the smallest fat rolls at my armpits.

Self doubt is a most peculiar and virulent form of narcissism.

A friend's father once told him he'd be far less concerned about what people thought about him if only he knew how rarely they actually thought about him. I really need to remember that right now.

Please wish me luck. If not about the show, then certainly about growing the hell up.